I detach because it feels safer…
If I don’t put myself out there, you can’t hurt me.
If I don’t show you what I live, breathe, and believe in, you can’t reject me.
If I don’t take risks and reach for the sky, I won’t fall short.
But then, I am still left feeling alone, hallow, and misunderstood.
Because I am not being authentic if I detach.
So I have moments where my thriver takes over and throws my heart and soul into a project, a dream, a friendship, a family relationship. And sometimes, it pays out ten fold. I am filled with that peace of this is what it must be like to live bravely, vulnerably, and authentically true to your soul. And my heart is set on fire for more.
And then there are the moments where I do this very same thing and I am met with a laundry list of defensiveness, criticisms, dismissals, invalidation, and rejection. And this is when my heart bottoms out. My shame shouts untruths and “I told you so’s” and persuasively reminds me that detachment is safe. An arm’s length is safe. Keeping my mouth shut is safe. Keeping my feelings to myself is safe.
I am left with a million dollar decision of evaluating risk over reward.
Do I want to be true to me?
Do I want to feel the pain of rejection?
Can I give myself grace to realize that your reaction to my authentic self is more of a reflection of you, not me?
Because if I show up honest, vulnerable, loving, and with grace that is all I can control. I cannot control how you react to that.
Can I give myself the grace and the truth to understand that I did my part, to the best of my constantly evolving and self improving ability?
I know I default to detach. But I don’t want to anymore. I have tasted the life of living whole heartedly and I can’t go back. Ignorance really is bliss because before I dove into all this authentic, vulnerable, truth seeking, and shameless living, I thought I felt safe.
I now know I can live better. There is better. And I will rise to reset my default system that was previously molded for 33 years. You can reset too. The reward outweighs the risk. It doesn’t change the fact that when you are lost in the depths of rejection and criticism, the pain can be all consuming. But, even with this pain, if I know my heart has been true to myself, it feels so much better than drowning in that pain along with the shame of knowing I wasn’t even true to myself.