I’m Not the Best Friend Right Now

I’m not the best friend right now. I know that. And I’m sorry.

The last 3 years have been, well, there are no words. It is like the day Jake died, I died too. And the person I am now and am becoming, isn’t her, the one that existed before. I’m evolving. I’m learning. I’m stumbling. I’m surviving. I’m thriving. I’m learning to love this new version of me. And if I’m being honest, I didn’t love the woman I was before. Not because she was not deserving of it, but because I never learned to love her. Jake did. And that carried me. Without him, I came crashing down.

The first year was foggy. Surviving. Leaning on others. Mechanically learning to live on my own. Still wading through the waters of motherhood because if you remember, my boys are adopted and I had only been a mom 8 months when Jake was killed.

The second year, I started to rise. But not necessarily in a poetic, graceful fashion where you imagine a beautiful eagle rising in to the sky. More like that of a baby duck flapping and falling every 6 inches attempting to learn to fly. Or with the grace of a chicken flying in clumsy bursts across the farm.

And the 3rd year, “Heeeeelllllllloooooooo, Covid!” Just what a depressed, anxiety ridden widow needs is global pandemic to instill fear and trap us all in a house for a Whole. Damn. Year. Add remote learning…oh the meltdowns…

And we all know everyone falls somewhere different on the “Precautions and How I Feel about Covid” scale, (Let’s please not debate this, that is not my intent.).  I weigh in on the more cautious end. See my children have lost one parent. And statistics have failed us in the past. “Statistically” Jake should have never been fatally shot from such a distance by an untrained gunman high on drugs, so you’ll have to excuse me for not wanting to roll the dice again so to speak.

So with a pandemic, my choice to tighten up our exposure during this pandemic, and some unfortunate ends to a few friendships which I’m still a bit confused about, I found myself more isolated than I would like. In light of this all, I’ve spent more time meditating, leaning on and deepening my relationship with my boyfriend and family, and learning to get to know myself and trust my gut.

But enough of the lead up, I know I haven’t been the best friend, in a long time. Relationships are like a bank account. We deposit into and withdraw from them. When we show up, hang out, call, text, laugh, cheer them up, etc we deposit into this friendship. When we criticize, mess up, don’t reply, or require emotional support, we withdraw from this friendship.

Over the last 3 years, I have been running in the red with a lot of friendships. And this is hard to own. There is a part of me that is unsure if I need to apologize profusely for this or acknowledge something truly tragic happened in my life that was out of my control and allow myself grace for simply trying to survive the best I could. Because I promise you, I was trying the Best. I. Could. And to those that supported me during any part of this, thank you for allowing me to run in the red.

However, I fear my overdraft fees have caught up with me. And some accounts have been closed.

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry I haven’t been the best friend.
I’m sorry that my attempts to change have sometimes resulted in me not always being my best self and delivering things ungracefully and without love.
I’m sorry I didn’t reply.
I’m sorry I walked away without an explanation.
I’m sorry if my pride got in the way of me speaking directly and authentically.
I’m sorry if I didn’t communicate my needs better about how I needed our friendship to evolve as I changed and I left you confused or upset with me.
I’m sorry if I let my fear talk me out of picking up the phone and saying these things to you.
I’m, simply put, sorry.

Truth is, I’m not a great friend to myself. And I haven’t been.
I need to give myself the grace I deserve.
I need to accept my imperfection.
I need to own my mistakes and realize while they were mistakes, I had the best of intentions.
I need to love myself.
I need forgive myself.
I need to accept it is okay to fail and find the lesson within.
I need to love me for me. Embrace my authenticity. And realize if it isn’t received well by everyone. That is okay.

I know I am not the best friend right now. And I’m sorry. I’m learning to be a friend to myself which is well overdue.
Thank you for giving me the time to do so.