Bound by the Dance

Words cannot even begin to express the magnitude of weary that I feel right now. And I feel it to my very core. I am not even sure how to describe a feeling that goes bone deep and you can feel in the inner workings of your heart and brain. It has been all consuming for days now.

I‘m learning to love myself and that is one of the hardest things I have ever done. But I have to. Because in the end, I need to be centered and confident in WHO I AM. To some, I will always be

too much
too emotional
too passionate
too blunt
too authentic
too harsh
too driven
too negative
too put together
too strong
too weak
too vulnerable
too forgiving
too guarded

and the list could go on. I’m not going to be everyone’s cup of tea because maybe you prefer coffee.

In many ways I feel I live 2 lives. In my thriver life I am driven, a dreamer, and take action. I love hard, hurt even harder, and throw myself behind my beliefs. In my survivor life, I am constantly in fight or flight which raises my anxiety to 100% and deepens my depression as I fill my head with shame and should haves. I feel 8 years old, fighting to survive, with little trust of others.

I yo yo between these 2 and the dance is exhausting. I feel bound to this survivor life as my thriver tries to take control. But all it takes is that 1 ounce of doubt. One comment, one statement, one invalidation, one rejection, or maybe even just a bad night of sleep to send my survivor strutting in and spiraling me into this weary, lost soul who feels like her efforts or dreams…scratch that…she herself isn’t worth much and how dare I ever believe I could be anything more than a broken widow, a struggling mama, and a women who has yet to find her place in the world.

While this stretch of days has been physically draining and cloudy and muddled, I will continue the dance. And I hope and I pray that my thriver will one day take the lead away from my survivor. And if you ever feel this way too, I am rooting for your thriver too!